If you join a writers’ group, or really any other type of group, you will eventually hear someone state the following quote:
“perception is reality.”
This quote was originally from Lee Atwater, a shrewd political strategist for the Republican party, especially both George H.W. Bush and his son’s presidential campaigns, and had to do with what Lee openly admitted to being dirty tricks and deceptions used for political optics. As long as people perceived one party to be in the right, the actual facts didn’t matter, especially with regard to remote issues like international politics. The actual number of innocent civilians bombed in the Middle East didn’t matter to U.S. elections as long as none of the voters could perceive it.
As far as political machinations go, this slogan is very useful in trying to rally support to a cause or candidate who, by objective measurements, should not be allowed within 100 feet of a government office. But that’s not how people are going to use it when it comes to writers’ groups. When it comes up in a writers’ group, this quote will come up when someone has a complaint about you, which they know has nothing to do with what you have said in your criticism, written in your book, or done in terms of group interactions. It will come up when someone complains about how they’ve perceived your words, writing, or actions.
The situation will play out somewhat like this: you’ll be in a group, and you’ll be asked for your opinion on someone else’s writing. You’ll give your honest thoughts, and later on, you’ll get a call from the group leader (or they’ll pull you aside while you’re in person), and will state that someone complained about something you didn’t actually say, but that someone else thinks you said. When you point out that you did not actually say (or write, or whatever) the thing in question, the group leader will respond with “perception is reality.”
This is a fancy way for the group leader to acknowledge that you didn’t actually do anything wrong, but they’re going to berate you for something you didn’t do anyway, and give you a lecture about how your words and actions can be perceived by others. It’s very sneaky, because it’s dressed up in a fancy package of “helpful advice” that sounds like it’s meant to improve your relationships with other groups members, but it has one glaring problem: it comes with an admission that you didn’t do anything wrong, and that the person who’s accusing you misread the situation.
A group leader with any actual leadership skills won’t put you through this to begin with. They may ask you about a situation between you and another member, but if they realize that your accuser is factually wrong, then a good leader will turn their lecture on the accuser and give them a stern talking to about jumping to conclusions. A wise leader knows that assuming the worst of people without any discussion is far worse for group cohesion than saying or doing things that can be misinterpreted.
Unfortunately, good group leaders are not easy to find, and if you spend any amount of time in writers’ groups, you’re guaranteed to run into this problem. It can show up in other communities, but writers’ groups are specifically about criticism, which means someone is going to take offense that gets you caught up in this sort of predicament.
To understand why this is so pernicious, you need to realize where this line of thinking inevitably leads. First, the group leader who says this does not actually believe that “perception is reality” – not in Lee Atwater’s sense, and not in the more literal sense that he’s trying to use it. If he did, then your perception would qualify as reality, and you need only tell him that you didn’t perceive that you did anything wrong to expose this double-standard. This should be your first response when you get caught in these kinds of situations; watch how your group leader responds. If they admit that your perception is just as valid as the accuser’s, then they’ll have no choice but to drop the act and let the problem go.
Sadly, that is usually not going to be the case, because when a group leader tries to use the adage “perception is reality,” they really mean “the person whose perception is most detached from reality is reality.” The slogan is often used to get you to live in the minds of crazy people. If your group leader tries to use this saying in this manner, what they are effectively doing is allowing the looniest person dictate reality to everyone else in the group, and ensuring that in the future you will be expected to predict all of the ways that this crazy person could potentially interpret the things you say, do, or even the things you don’t say or do.
This never satisfies the person whose deluded view of reality is being accepted. It’s not uncommon for crazy people to claim they saw something that they know didn’t happen, just to see if people around them will correct them. When the people around the crazy person go along with the fake delusion, the person just gets crazier as they can no longer trust their peers to give them the reality check that they’re desperately calling out for.
And this should be your second move. If you ask the group leader if your perception is reality, and the leader doesn’t acknowledge the double-standard, then you should explain to him that what he’s doing is going to lead to crazier claims by the person whose perception they’re trying to please, and that those crazy claims will become more numerous. If this is allowed to continue, it won’t stop with complaints against you. The crazy person will continue to make insane claims and complaints until either everyone either leaves the writers’ group, or no one will dare give honest criticism in the group again, out of fear of stepping on the crazy person’s toes.
If the group leader still insists on enabling the craziest member of the group, your third action should be to leave. You do not want to waste your time in a group controlled by a lunatic and a leader that enables their delusions. It’s always frustrating to have to leave a group, but just think of it as beating the rush-hour traffic, because soon, every other writer in the group is going to have to make the same choice as you. Consider gathering as many like-minded individuals from the group with you and starting your own with just the people who want to have honest discussions on how to improve each others’ writing.
Be aware of group leaders who get upset when you outsmart this slogan. It’s not uncommon for a group leader to say “perception is reality” purely because they don’t know any better, and it’s a catchy saying. These types of leaders are more likely to bend when you explain why it’s such a bad idea, but you might bruise their egos in the process, and that can be just as bad as staying in a group where the leader enables crazy people.
And that, in a nutshell, is how you should respond when someone in a writers’ group tells you that another person is complaining about something you didn’t actually say or do, and tries to justify taking the complainer’s side by saying “perception is reality.” Even the self-admittedly crooked politician who coined the phrase would be appalled if he saw how people are using it today, and you should not put up with it if it comes your way.
Sorry for going on such a long-winded rant on this one, but it seems too important to ignore. I hope this never happens to you, but in case it does, now you’re armed. You can theoretically apply this to any group you’re in where this treacherous slogan comes up. And, in case you’re a group leader yourself, you know now not to ever use this to justify caving to the craziest person in your group, lest they just get worse as you enable their delusions.
Keep writing, and I promise next time I’ll give you something more fun than this.
